This time that I have spent at home has been truly amazing and an experience. Yes, our house is a disaster but I could care less. There have been days where I haven't left the couch except to use the bathroom, eat or change Dylan's diaper. And for those who judge...who cares! I only get 12 weeks to soak up every single second with my son and if that means the house doesn't get cleaned, then so be it! I am never going to get these moments back and I am so happy I choose to stare into his precious blue eyes instead of cleaning. I am starting to balance being a mother and cleaning though. Since I am able to put him in his crib upstairs for naps (and watch him on the monitor), I can now focus on getting some housework done while he sleeps.
I had this vision when I was pregnant that because I was going to be off during the summer (and not the crazy hot months), we would spend every day outside at the pool. Well...we haven't made it to the pool and yesterday was the first day we actually sat outside (Dylan and Parker in the shade, of course). I really haven't had the desire to go outside much (Parker does get walked every day in the mornings though) but now that I only have 2 1/2 weeks left, I'm starting to feel like we should be spending every waking moment outside. I'm thinking we'll be going to the community pool today!!
I know this post is kind of all over the place, but it's nice to kind of just get my thoughts out right now.
Okay...so back to this whole crying thing. I've found that lately I am crying every time I think about leaving Dylan at daycare. So many thoughts go through my head. "Is he going to get enough attention?" "because he's an easy baby, are they just going to stick him on the floor and tend to the other babies?" "Will they know what he wants when he gets upset?" "What if something happens? Will they tell me?" Ugh...and the dreaded first day...every mother has told me that I will cry all the way to work on the first day...ummm...I'll have a two hour commute that first day and will be riding the train with thousands of other people. I am going to be a mess!! I always thought that when I had kids that I would easily go back to work because I could never imagine myself being a stay at home mom but now that Dylan is here, I can't think of anything else I would want to do except stay at home and raise my son. I don't want someone else watching him and potentially seeing him roll over for the first time or take his first step or say his first word. It breaks my heart to think that someone else might experience that...I am the one that's supposed to experience that! I guess what's helping me get through this is someone on the forum that I'm a part of said to tell the daycare provider to not tell you if he does any of those things so then when you see or hear it for the first time, I will actually think it's the first time and I can then experience it.
Dylan, please understand that I have chosen to go back to work so that I can provide you with a life we feel you deserve. I am sacrafising time with you. Know that I will regret every moment I don't spend with you but the time I do spend with you, I will make the most of it. It makes my heart melt as I listen to you "talking" back to me and when you give me the biggest gummiest smile ever! It is so cute how you can now follow me and you look for me when I start to walk away. Yesterday while you were laying on the mat, Parker was walking by you and you followed him...it was awesome! You are standing up on our laps like crazy. You have to be facing outward with your back not touching our stomachs and if you are touching our stomachs, you definitely let us know that you hate that! You are starting to drool a little but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what will come. You love to hang out on my shoulder looking behind me while I walk around. It is definitely your "spot". We took you for your very first walk in the carrier yesterday and you absolutely loved it. It was awesome watching you take in the world around you and just sitting there so content.
As I sit here typing this, staring at you sleep on the video monitor, I can truly say that I am blessed with the most precious gift in the world...a son! Your grandmother loved your father more than anyone can ever understand and their bond was so amazing. I hope that we have a relationship that reflects theirs. I love you with all of my heart, little boy!!!
I know those feelings all too well! I did the exact same thing on maternity leave, held him, snuggled and tried my best to not worry about the housework. I knew we would never get this time back and I don't regret one second of it. I became so consumed with dreading going back to work I feel like I didn't enjoy my last few weeks. I cried and cried and wondered how in the world I could leave my baby for the whole day everyday! I also had the same concerns with the babysitter, Owen was such a good baby I was worried they would just lay him down and tend to the others that were more high maintence. I will tell you, you are his Mom and know best. I ended up pulling Owen from daycare when he was about 4 months old because it didn't feel right and I saw and heard of many things I did not agree with. My Sister watched him while she could and then we found a new sitter that has been wonderful. Once we found someone I felt comfortable with my anxiety that I was experiencing was minimixed. Always go with your gut, you know what's best for that little guy. It will be so hard leaving him, soak up your last few weeks! I wish I could say it will get better, but I still dread dropping Owen off at daycare especially after the weekend. Hang in there, and remember you are doing it so you can give Dylan everything he deserves!
ReplyDeleteI really can't say anything to make going back to work any easier. I can remember the last few days before sending Abbie how I dreaded the day but more than anything I wanted that first day to be over. I knew it would get better. I do enjoy my job quite a bit so that helps. I just felt like the anxiety and looming feeling of anticipating the first day back haunted me so I just wanted it to be done and I knew once it was done I could move forward. I cried the first few days when she left with Dave to go to daycare. After that it got better. I still have a few moments now as she is getting older and I am starting to see her personality more that I want to be home with her even more. I still shed a few tears every now and again. I must say that the daycare she is at has been way better than expected. Her particular center assigns kids to primary caretakers so she pretty much has one person taking care of her 247. This has been awesome to be able to communicate changes in Abbie and for Abbie to get good 1 on 1 care. Not sure if your center does this or not, but if you struggle with feeling like Dylan isn't getting the care he needs, then look for a place that does this. My eventual goal in the hopefully near future is to stay at home with our kids, but I don't think that is for everyone. Even at 3 months old I can already tell how much Abbie enjoys going to daycare. She loves the others kids. She sees other kids and just gets a big grin on her face and that makes my heart happy knowing that if she were at home I would really have to make a big effort to have play groups etc....so for right now I know how much she enjoys going and that makes me feel better over all. It will get easier and Jill is right...you are mom and you know best. Trust your instincts! You will do great Molly. In order to help myself not cry too much the day of, I think I wrote a blog entry to try and get it all out before...one where I let myself mourn, wrote her a letter, etc. I held her, rocked her and I know tears dripped off my cheeks onto hers but she didn't care. I breathed her in and held her tight. I don't regret that at all. I think doing what you are doing now is wonderful....go to the park, pool, etc and enjoy every moment! I am a really logical black and white person so to me I look at a problem and I solve it, and don't dwell on it. Give yourself time to mourn, but also once you've mourned give yourself a reality check, and have new normals. Some people even have opportunities to work from home one day a week. I have scheduled myself household chores on certain days of the week so that on my two days off during the week its me and Abbie time...to do whatever we want. If you don't have that then make sure certain nights at home you give for just you and Dylan or family time, etc. I have friends that just continue to dwell on the fact that they aren't at home once they go back and they are miserable, so I suggest to give yourself a little time, and then make sure you settle into your new normals and make those work for you instead of focusing on thinking the new normals are bad cause they may not be as bad as you think.
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